What Does Autistic Masking Feel Like?

It can be hard for Neurodivergent and especially Autistic people to explain to a neurotypical person why social situations are hard for them. Neurotypical people (people who have a “standard” or more common neurotype) don’t see social situations the way Autistic people do, which leads to countless misunderstandings around the way Neurodivergent people communicate and socialize. I use the cave-person metaphor as a way of describing what it’s like.

Imagine that you’re surrounded by cave people. They’re all running around, screeching at the top of their lungs, making wild arm gestures, and hitting each other with clubs. It’s overwhelming to your senses, hard to even focus with so much going on, and it feels wrong, but you want to fit in. So one day, mustering all of your courage, you pick up a club and wack someone with it.

Suddenly, everyone stops and stares at you with disgust. “I can’t believe you used an overhanded swing,” they say. “Are you a moron or something? Didn’t you notice we’re all using underhanded swings?”

But of course, you didn’t notice. It was difficult to notice what seemed an unremarkable detail with all the ruckus and confusion they were creating. Autistic people are not morons. They want to belong, but do not always feel comfortable with neurotypical forms of expression. Neurotypical people tend to be more socially performative, to care about how well they “swing the bat” instead of questioning the act itself in the way an Autistic person might.

If the metaphor of a violent encounter seems wrong to you somehow, it may be because you’re not seeing it from the perspective of someone with intense sensory sensitivities. What feels like a normal social situation to a neurotypical person, can feel jarring, overwhelming and wildly unsettling to an Autistic person. Coupled with confusion about how to read neurotypical social cues, varying reactions to stress and pressures to conform, social events are a very different experience for Autistic people than for neurotypical ones. Neurotypicals frequently seem hostile and aggressive to Autistic people.

This observation connects with what researchers are learning about empathy in Autistic people. Damian E.M. Milton, in his research, discovered that Autistic people are just as empathic towards other Autistic people as non-Autistic people are towards non-Autistic people. Also, he found that non-Autistic people have just as difficult a time empathizing with Autistic people as vice versa. He calls this the “double empathy” problem. The University of Edinburgh is conducting multiple studies on “diversity in social intelligence” that have confirmed the importance of “neurotype matching” in building rapport with others.

For more information about how Neurodivergent people can incorporate healthy social goals into their lives, book a session with Neurodiversity Aware Counselling.